According to the National Retail Federation, Americans spend about 37 percent more on Mother’s Day than on Father’s Day. Today ranks as the fourth largest card-sending holiday in the U.S., behind Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day, and Christmas.

On Father’s Days past, I’ve written about this discrepancy between Mom’s day and Dad’s, pondering why we give less to our fathers. Recent conversations with friends who dread the arrival of Father’s Day have given me a different perspective on that.

Generally speaking, mothers are more involved in their children’s lives than fathers, especially now, when nearly half of all marriages end in divorce. In most cases the mother gets custody of the children and it can be easy for the father to fade out of the picture.

I greatly admire the divorced dads I know who still make their children their number one priority. If you’re one of those dedicated single dads, kudos to you. Those ball games you attend and those stories you read might seem like small things, but your kids need them so badly. They’ll never forget that you were there.

It was hard to hear the lingering pain of my friends over the rejection of their fathers. I’ve changed their names to protect their privacy.

Angie’s parents divorced when she was ten, leaving her to help her mother raise her younger siblings. After the birth of her first child, her father began trying to reconnect. But there are so many things left unsaid that even now, 14 years later, visits are filled with the awkwardness of deep regret.

Tom’s father was a workaholic and an alcoholic, extremely critical of everything Tom did. Though Tom is 40 now, he still strives unsuccessfully to receive his dad’s approval and acceptance. His belief in the Biblical mandate to honor his parents causes constant conflict over his desire to protect his own sons from his father’s negative influence.

Gary abandoned his wife and son when little Dave was just five years old. Through the years, Gary popped in and out of Dave’s life just long enough to make promises and never follow through. Too busy doing his own thing to be a real father, he went through three more wives, leaving more children and a trail of dysfunction behind him. Now that Dave is a successful, married father of three, Gary is back, disabled and grumbling that his son never makes time for him.

You’ve probably heard the song, “Cat’s in the Cradle”. It’s a poignant song about a father who wouldn’t make time for his son when the boy was small. And the boy grew into a man who was too busy for his father. When the dad finally wanted to have a relationship with his son, it was too late. There was nothing to build upon.

I’m grateful that I’ll never have a “Cat’s in the Cradle” relationship with my dad. He worked a lot when we were children-still does, actually. But he’s always been there for his family. He’s always been an active part of my life, and now his grandchildren’s lives.

And my husband, who knows the pain of growing up without a father, is an awesomely involved dad, too. I’m so thankful for him—I don’t know how I could raise these boys without the strength and influence of their father’s daily presence in our lives.

Fathers, you are essential to your child’s well-being. Be there. If you haven’t been a great parent so far, get counseling, take a parenting class, do something to begin building a strong relationship with your kids today. And if your children are grown, it doesn’t hurt to try to mend the past.

But if you’re going to do so, unfortunately, you have to realize that now you’re the passenger in the back seat. You have to fit in where your adult child makes room for you, hold your tongue with unsolicited advice and support their choices. If you weren’t there to help mold those choices, you forfeited your right to voice an opinion of them now.

It pains me that so many adults are the walking wounded, scarred from the absence of a strong father in their lives. My hope is that today might begin a time of healing.