Nor would I ever tell my older boys on summer break that they must stay in the living room with said baby and keep handing him toys to make him happy when they would much rather be playing Xbox.

I also wouldn’t tell those boys to eat leftover donuts for breakfast, and when they complain about still being hungry, reply, “Hey have a glass of milk…and another donut!” Not this mom…well, not on any other morning but today.

Because I also didn’t let us run out of cereal and bagels and other breakfast staples, and won’t be making a mad dash out for groceries immediately after my husband gets home.

I have a maid that does the shopping.

(Oh, wait…that’s really NOT ME.)

And finally, I didn’t describe my new job as being one who researches crap then writes about it, prompting my husband to create this “official” sounding job title: Fecal Research Reporter.

(I did absolutely ROFL over that, though!)

For more Not Me Monday posts, click here.

Today, I did not go to the store for milk and formula, then come home with strawberries, almonds, hot dogs and buns—but no milk or formula. Nope, not me—I always remember everything on a mental grocery list.

I did not leave Jonah in his crib to cry for five minutes while I used the restroom and made myself a quick snack before settling in to nurse him.

I did not swipe the last wad of litter/hair/dust under the litter box after trying and failing repeatedly to sweep the darn thing into the dustpan. Not me—I’d never be so flippant about cleaning. NE-VER.

And finally, I did NOT wait until the night before drop-off to start tagging my consignment sale merchandise, and absolutely did not decide to check email, Facebook and write this blog to procrastinate even further. Not me.